Luke's Dark Year
by Katelai
Summary: After the breakup between Luke and Lorelai in season 6, Luke falls deeply into the bottle for some relief. This story follows Luke through many pitfalls, as he tries to get his life and tormented mind straightened out.
1. Luke's Dark Year Part I

**Luke's Dark Year**

**A/N – This story started out as a single idea and grew into a monster I could not control. I had originally sent it to Mags so that she could beta it for me, and when she won me at the author auction she asked me to finish this. It isn't quite done, but when I hit the 15k word mark I decided to break this up into a two parter. So here is the first part for you! **

**Mags gets the honor be being my purchaser and my Beta, thank you so much!**

**--Introduction--**

The cold beer in his hand didn't make him feel any better, it didn't help make the visions in his mind any less vivid, and it didn't make the ache of betrayal in his gut diminish. It did make it easier to live with that heartache, the realization that he blew away the one good thing he had spent eight years hoping for. The fact was, not only was he lost without her, he was even more baffled by the thought that maybe she wasn't meant for him. After all, she was with _him_ now,and hadn't _he_ said that to Luke once? That bastard thought that _they_ were meant for each other, that Luke & Lorelai were just _for now_. Luke thought that he belonged with Lorelai, but slowly he started to wonder if that was all a farce, a trick of his tormented mind. Maybe he was meant to just be like Louie, angry, old and alone.

One day Jess would move to Stars Hollow, Luke would die holding onto his old track trophies and Jess would have to find him an extra large coffin to fit him and his enormous beer gut. How did his dad do it? How did his dad meet his mom and keep her? What did his dad do in his life that made him deserve that woman of his dreams? Luke wondered what he could have done wrong on such a cosmic scale; he couldn't fathom the idea that there was another woman out there that could come close to Lorelai.

And even if she came back to him, he knew he was too proud to accept her return. She was tarnished. She had betrayed him. He didn't know if he even had the ability to ever trust her again. And these thoughts made him more and more ashamed, so shamefaced that he just dove deeper into the bottle when he knew he could spare the recovery time.

The company of his own mind was so unsettling at times that he didn't know if he could survive another drunken night alone, sitting with the memory of Lorelai and the sparse decorations April had left behind. And so, the solution, at least for Luke, was to visit a bar, any bar, with an ample supply of cheap draft beer and the company of people who did not know him. This is how Luke became a sort of the lord of the bar flies at Curtis House Bar & Tavern in Woodbury, Connecticut.

**--The Unnamed Girl--**

It was easy when he was drunk and stumbling to the local Motel 6 to forget who he was with, to forget what he was doing was wrong and the fact that the reasons behind it really called for a good psychiatrist and not a drunken tryst.

The first one was a bit of a shock to his system, and that was putting it nicely.

Luke sat at the bar playing with a glass of whiskey, he had taken to showing up on Wednesday evenings as Lane, Caesar and Zack could handle the diner alone on Thursday mornings just fine. Luke, being so very Luke-like even when drunk, had developed a tentative friendship with the bartender on Wednesday evenings as well. The barkeep, a man in his mid-60s named Tommy, was an Irish boy at heart who loved Irish-music and the Red Sox. Tommy took to calling Luke, Lukey from the Hollow, and occasionally when his shift was over, Tommy would commiserate with Luke on life over another glass of whiskey. Tommy himself had a wife at home and things were going well for him. Seeing as he had been a barkeep all of his life, he knew the sad sorts that walked through the doors of his establishment fairly well.

For the poor, the sad, the dejected and the overworked; a barkeep was a sort of psychiatrist, at least for the regulars who frequented almost every happy hour. Getting to know Tommy also made it easier for Luke to stop by more often, on the pretense that he wanted to "check up" on his friend in Woodbury.

Luke soon gained his official barfly badge, having spent almost every Wednesday evening and the occasional Thursday happy hour for two months at the Curtis House. Luke encountered a group of camp counselors, safety whistles and camp shirts included, coming into the bar to celebrate the end of the summer. One of the girls in the group, a young one of barely 21 years, chose a bar stool away from her friends and right next to Luke. She was beautiful with long brown wavy hair, bright green eyes and a smile like Meg Ryan before the trout pout.

Luke was a bit flustered that this young woman wanted to even look at him, let alone speak to him and drop hints of a... lustful nature. Luke hardly said any words to the girl, but he admitted to himself that a part of him was extremely attracted to her smile and her youthful demeanor. He bought her drinks, watched her talk on and on, admired the curve of her smile and acquiesced, after much waffling, to walk her home to her apartment.

The next thing he knew, he was stepping over a messy apartment, absorbed in a flurry of undergarments, moving towards a squeaky broken futon to soon find himself buried within this young girl whose name had completely escaped him. _Was it Sandra? Sandy? Andy? Amanda? Andrea?_ He thanked whatever God there was that he didn't suffer the limpness that liquor can cause and was able to find some sort of release. After it was all over, not being accustomed to one-night-stand lifestyle, he laid there wondering if he should leave or wait until the morning. After hearing the soft snoring of the girl beside him, he quickly sobered up when he noticed a few college banners hanging on her wall.

He immediately thought of Rory and instantly he felt ashamed. He had just slept with a girl that was Rory's age and the thought of that was incredibly disturbing to him. How could he have sunk so low and gotten so drunk that he failed to realize this? And then another thought popped into his head, protection. Did he remember protection? He hadn't been carrying condoms with him and she didn't make any mention of them... He cursed himself, and her, even though he still couldn't recall her name.

With all the speed that he could muster, he threw his clothes on and rushed out of her door. He headed for his truck at a half run, and promptly emptied the contents of his stomach onto the sidewalk next to where he had parked. When he caught his breath, he climbed in the creaky old truck and drove home to Stars Hollow.

And hollow it was indeed.

**-MILF: Man Inebriated, Lost and Forsaken-**

Camp-girl, how Luke would come to refer to her after his recent encounter, shook Luke up enough to abandon the bottle and the bar for a few weeks. Luke patted himself on the back every time he thought of camp-girl and felt an immediate revulsion. It meant he was normal, he reminded himself that he wasn't a sick bastard, so maybe there was still hope for him. And sadly, Hope was indeed waiting for him, atop a stool at Curtis House.

Tall, voluptuous, red-headed, pale skinned with dark brown eyes, Hope could almost pass for Julianne Moore under the poor light of the bar. Luke, on his first night back to "check up" on Tommy, found himself cradling a glass of Jameson neat and sitting next to the breathtaking Hope, entranced by her laugh. Tommy introduced them and Luke found himself hoping against hope, that Hope would occupy that stool again.

He didn't know how he even got the words out that night, but before he knew it, he learned that Hope not only loved baseball, she had a daughter April's age, and she hated coffee. Luke wondered wistfully if he could hope against hope that Hope would be his... real hope. That night when Luke finally made it home, he stared at the ceiling of his apartment silently whispering her name and pretending that after each syllable left his mouth, that that _other_ woman wasn't always at the back of his mind.

And so Luke found himself at Curtis House every night that week, and there she was, Hope sprung fresh from Pandora's box. He hoped that if he could maybe get to know Hope, he could forget the other _her_, the one woman who's name he couldn't even bring himself to say out loud. And Hope was amazing! She had so many similar likes and dislikes that Luke started to wonder if it was meant to be. After a week of being a steady barfly with Hope, he soon found himself tightly holding onto her hand as he pulled her towards the Motel 6 down the road. He put in the extra money for their "special" suite, which just meant it had a king sized bed. Luke was fully aroused and excited by the time he jiggled the key in the lock of the door. And as excited as he was, he promised himself that he'd do this right, that he'd do this lovingly and not with haste like the last time.

Luke led Hope to the bed and left her standing there as he stripped the comforter and the thermal blanket away. When Luke returned to her side, he removed the elastic from her hair and kissed his way down the column of her milky white skin. He placed his hands on her shoulders, slid the thin cotton jacket from her shoulders and slowly, painstakingly, unbuttoned her floral blouse, which also soon found its way to the floor. Luke slowly unzipped her skirt and let if fall to the floor as he looked into her eyes, noting the small smile that curved her lips. He took in the scrap of a thong she wore and barely resisted falling to his knees to place his mouth on the small triangle at the front.

Soon, Luke was on top of Hope on the bed in his boxers placing slow, wet kisses down her neck to her chest. He sucked an erect nipple into his mouth through the lace of her bra and smiled as a moan escaped her lips. Luke ran his hand down her abdomen and lightly ran it over the already dampening fabric cover the area between her legs. He started to lose his self control when he could not only feel her arousal, but also smell it. Hastily he pushed her panties aside and started to vigorously rub her clit, letting out a groan at how wet she was.

In response, Hope huskily whispered his name and it only fueled him farther, without a thought he shoved two fingers into her and bit a lace covered nipple, holding it between his teeth. Luke was stirred from his ministrations when he heard her urge him to fuck her. He didn't need to be told twice. He striped the thong from her body and quickly removed his boxers, before lifting her knees to his chest and entering her in one fluid motion. He was soon lost in his own repetitive movement and in the wet, tight heat of Hope.

"Luke, you're so big," Hope whispered in ecstasy, scraping her fingernails across his chest. "You're a big daddy," she continued. "Big daddy fucking this MILF."

Luke was a little slow on the uptake when the words came spilling out of her mouth. When he realized she had said 'daddy' and 'MILF' he started to slow. Racking his memory, waiting for more blood to reach his brain, he remembered that Lorelai had explained to him what a MILF was. He tried to forget Hope's whispered words, to concentrate on her arousal and being buried in her warm, wet sex.

He shifted her legs around his hips and leaned down on top of her, and as soon as Luke got back into his groove, Hope started to whisper into his ear. "Does it make you hot to think that my husband has no clue that you're fucking his MILF of a wife?"

_Husband?!_ Luke asked himself, _Wife?! _"You're... you're married?" he asked as he slowed to a stop, feeling his arousal start to soften.

"Luke don't stop, please don't stop!" she whispered as she began to move her hips back and fourth and run her fingernails over his back.

Quickly he pulled out and moved to the edge of the bed. "You're cheating on your husband?" he asked, unable to look her in the eye. "You don't have a ring, I checked for a ring!" he voiced, more to himself.

"Wait," she said as she sat up. "You're not married?"

No reeling with disgust, Luke turned to face her, "What the hell gave you that idea?!"

"You have a daughter... I thought that a guy like you--"

"I feel like I'm losing my mind," Luke responded as he bent to gather his discarded clothing.

"You don't have to go!" She said quickly in response, groping for a sheet to cover up with. "This was going well, I mean, it was good for me..."

Clad in only boxers Luke turned to finally look her in the eye. "I'm sorry Hope, I just don't work that way... I was--I have to go."

That was the last thing he said to her before his finished getting dressed and blew out the door. "False hope," he muttered to himself as he started up his truck and headed back to Stars Hollow.

**--The Ambulance Chaser--**

Like a broken record, old Lukey from the Hollow swore off the bar once more. This time to avoid false-Hope, rather than the bottle. He still expertly fell face first into any bottle he could get his hands on, that is until the love of his life, his daughter, had come to stay with him. With April by his side, Luke finally felt some form of relief wash over him. It was the first time in months since he had been able to breath easy, been able to sleep without waking surprised that his life wasn't a nightmare. With April nearby, Luke was in his element, he was almost able to forget about his broken heart and the one who broke it. Luke was in dad-mode and loving every bit of it.

He should have known, after everything in his life, to not take anything for granted. After having loving amazing parents and losing them, after loving Rachel and having her run off, after loving Lorelai for ten years and having her go to the one man in the world that he hated... All of a sudden his bright eyed brainy kid was hurt, and Luke soon felt that panic that he'd only ever experienced the other side of. This kid, this amazing kid, _his_ amazing kid that he had only known for less than a year, she was hurt and it was the most terrifying experience of his life.

There was really only room for so much hurt in that brain of his, all other thoughts temporarily forgotten, April was his main concern. And without thinking he dialed the number he had known by heart for almost ten years.

Then, there she was at the hospital. Luke thought wistfully that maybe they could get over the problems of the past, hoping that Lorelai being there for him was a sign that she still cared about him. His heart was still reeling from seeing his little girl sick in the hospital, it almost entirely overshadowed all the other hurts he'd experienced in his life. Then he saw the wedding ring on her hand and it was like the world came crashing down upon him once more.

He had wanted to marry that woman, he wanted to have kids with her. It was all gone now, it was all over. One gold band signified the horrible truth he hadn't been able to face. _The Philadelphia Story_ played on the small hospital TV as his daughter slept, safe from the world, and all he could feel in that moment was sadness.

The real bomb had yet to drop. The real big bomb that destroyed Hiroshima, the one that ruined thousands of lives, that was spoken of in history books. That bomb came in the form of Anna Nardini, who was currently torn between being a mother and a daughter. Anna planned to move _her_ kid, April, to New Mexico with her. And it was settled, like a loaded slap across his cheek, there was no discussion and Luke was expected to just accept it. _But she's my kid too,_ he screamed in his head, _she's my kid too! _

He was back to the bar, back to the booze, back to seeking relief wherever he could find it. Almost finished with his third glass of whiskey, Luke grimly noted how his alcohol tolerance had vastly improved. He remembered a time at _that _country club, trying with all his might to go drink-for-drink with _her_ father, only failing miserably and getting disgustingly wasted. He laughed to himself, _he should see me now, I'd drink him under the table_. And then the reality of the situation dawned upon him, and he downed his glass before signaling for another.

Glass four brought contemplation. _We promised each other that no matter what happened, we'd always be friends. Like some damn kids at summer camp making a blood pact, promising that they'd always keep in touch. Promising that _that_ summer was special, it was different, it'd always be remembered. I promised her that no matter what happened, that I would always be there for her and she for me. And she was, she _was_ there, she didn't have to come, she didn't have to care. For crying out loud! I didn't let her get to know my kid, she hardly knew my kid, but she was still there. My kid, my kid! She's my kid too Anna! I can't loose my kid too... I won't fuck this up too... When is this shit gonna stop?_

"Luke... Is that you?" He heard a woman ask, in a tentative voice from behind him. Tentative-voice grabbed a stool next to him and he immediately realized who it was.

"Uh... Nicole? Wow, hey," Luke said, his tone laden with shock.

She smiled at him. "Where's Lorelai?" she asked, a blatant triumphant tone in her voice, looking around almost comically.

Luke let out a cough and sucked in a breath, biting back the, _fucking that asshole, _comment before responding. "No clue."

"Oh..." Nicole whispered as she smiled at the barkeep and asked for a glass of wine, whatever white they had available. Luke inwardly mused that she'd be totally wasted off the one.

_Well, what about sock man?_ "So, uh, what about your, uh, guy, the lawyer..." Luke asked cautiously, eyeing the slit in her skirt, wondering if he should even let his mind go there. _Maybe it'd be fun, for one night?_

Nicole let out a frustrated, _you got me_, laugh. "He's, um, in New York, they have him handling a big case there."

_And I don't even fucking care_, Luke thought. "Oh..."

"So do you come here often?" Nicole asked, looking straight at him, trying to search his face that was turned towards the wall.

Luke was consciously trying to avoid eye contact with her. "Yeah uh, I'm friends with Tommy so I, uh... come here to catch up."

"Ah," she replied with a small smile, seemingly taking interest in the wine glass she spun on the bar between her fingers.

Luke was angry with a lot of women, all the thoughts had been circling his brain since before Nicole occupied that stool. His anger towards Anna burned the brightest, and of course, he still had anger towards the other _her_ who's name he still couldn't say. Residual feelings from camp-girl and false-Hope only fueled the flames of his burgeoning rage. He didn't think he still had unsettled aggravation towards Nicole, but maybe he was wrong. He felt an obvious frustration at their current forced conversation, at her enjoyment in his veiled responses. That amalgamated sensation was starting to settle between his legs, ready to go to half mast when prompted and he knew how his drunken mind wanted to deal with it that night. He was weak and he knew it, willing to give into those primal urges if it unburdened his tormented mind even a little.

So he tolerated Nicole's presence and sat next to her in companionable silence for a few more rounds, wondering what she was thinking. Trying not to think too hard about his real desire to fuck her, or to examine where that desire really came from.

"So I am assuming you're single now," she finally sputtered out. Nicole was visibly looser after her successive glasses of wine and so the words flowed more freely from her mouth.

Luke nodded, "It's over, and I don't want to talk about it."

Although there was obvious resentment in his voice, Nicole seemed to ignore it altogether. "I was dating Jerry after we got divorced, well, I still am, but we're engaged."

_And during our marriage... to the sock man,_ Luke thought to himself as he gripped his glass a little tighter, giving no notice to the ring she flashed him. _You deserve each other._

Nicole signaled to Tommy for another glass of wine. "Yeah, he's in New York, like I said earlier. Except I think he's seeing someone on the side, he keeps being so vague about everything, like you were."

_Oh god, are you seriously surprised? _he thought to himself. "Nicole I never--"

"I know, I know Luke! I mean, you weren't _sleeping_ with her..."

"Nicole, god dammit! That was forever ago, can you please let it go?" he asked as he turned to face her. "And what the hell are we doing here anyway?" Luke finally broke, allowing the alcohol to unfurl his anger.

"Well I..." she stuttered in shock, turning slightly pink. "I thought when I saw you that we could, I mean, just once... I've been..."

"Okay," Luke said as he stood, swaying slightly, knowing that if he hesitated, his sober side would see reason and he'd miss the opportunity to scar himself further. He stared down at the bewildered look on Nicole's face, but soon she stood too and led the way out of the bar. Luke nodded to Tommy, settled his tab and jogged outside to go after her.

They found themselves at the motel down the street from the bar. Luke thought to himself that he finally had that particular barfly 'thing' figured out. He unlocked the door for Nicole and followed her into the room, the same room he had shared with false-Hope. He knew that if he waited even a second, he would start to feel awkward and his masochistic mood may dissipate. He tried not to think about how he reacted with the last woman in that room. He thought that if he could just quickly and roughly take her, that he'd at least feel something. Or, rather, something _else_. He didn't know if it was to feel better, or to forget, or to further harm himself; but the urge to do _something_ was too strong.

Without waiting for her to turn around after her slightly wavering walk into the room, Luke approached her from behind and removed her suit jacket. He then spun her around and shocked her with a deep, angry open-mouthed kiss, while simultaneously unbuttoning her silk blouse. He felt Nicole hesitate for a moment, but soon she got with the program as she started to remove his shirt as well.

They made short work of their clothing and the bedspread soon found its way to the floor. Luke hovered above Nicole, nipping and licking at her neck, sinking his teeth into her delicate skin, harder than he ever had with any woman before. He didn't have the courage or confidence for foreplay, he feared that if he smelled the scent that wafted from between her legs, a scent he knew was borderline acidic and pungent, he'd instantly loose his erection. So, he deftly slid the condom on, lifted Nicole's legs so they were bent and up against his abdomen and soon recklessly thrust into her.

The sight of her small breasts, not as full or beautiful as _her's_, started to wreak havoc with his erection; so he roughly cupped his hands over them. He started to pound into her furiously, hoping to climax before he lost all sense of his manhood. He couldn't get the other _her's_ face from his mind, comparing everything Nicole did to _her_. Nicole dug her fingernails into his back, as she used to do, and silently he cursed her for that, as he had always hated the pain he felt the next day, the reminder of what he had done and who he had been with.

Once they were done, he collapsed onto his side and tried to catch his breath. He felt like he was suffocating, the thought of never being with the other _her_ again was almost too overwhelming. Nicole languidly stretched out and settled herself into the crook of his arm while stifling a yawn. _She just fucking laid there, how can she be tired?_ he thought angrily, trying to brush all other thoughts aside_._ _I wish I hadn't been able to see her face, I wish she hadn't been able to see mine. _And then another realization dawned on him; _I'm the sock man now... And Chri--...him._

Due to a combination of emotionally exhausting thoughts, drinking too many hard drinks straight up and vigorously humping Nicole, Luke quickly passed out with Nicole clinging to him desperately. He dreamt of the other _her_ and her words, echoing over and over again, _Luke, I slept with Christopher_. Luke found himself wearing an expensive wool coat, a trendy scarf and tan leather driving gloves. He realized he was driving a Volvo sedan with Lorelai on his side. He tried to shout out and scream, _I am not Christopher, I'm not him_! No matter how hard he tried the words would not come out.

And he was hard, suddenly his pants were gone, his hirsute thighs contrasting sharply against the light leather interior, and Lorelai was leaning over from the passenger seat, sucking on his erection. Her head was bobbing up and down, she was moaning erotically and Luke had surrendered completely to the pleasure. Without thinking, Luke thrust up into her mouth. He felt a bite at the base of his penis and jolted awake. He looked down and Nicole had taken him entirely into her mouth, she must have accidentally bitten him when he surged upward. With a sly look in her eyes, Nicole let out a growl and continued to move her head up and down taking him deep into her mouth.

Lost in a rush of anger, confusion and disgust; he pulled back from Nicole and quickly positioned himself behind her. After pulling her up onto her hands and knees, he drove into her with one fluid motion, remembering how loose and wet Nicole always seemed to be. He squeezed her ass roughly and pulled her cheeks apart until he was sure it would hurt, but it only resulted in Nicole letting out louder moans of pleasure. Luke soon found his climax and collapsed again at her side. Nicole fell over with a laugh and an exhalation of breath.

"Luke?" she asked after a few minutes. "You were never like this before, it—that was amazing!"

On his back, Luke was rubbing his eyes trying to sort out his raging emotions. He responded in a rush of words, "I—we should, I should go."

Although Nicole did protest, promising that she'd be up for _more_ in the morning, Luke gathered his clothes and left the motel room. By the time he pulled up behind the diner he couldn't summon the energy to leave his truck. He sat in the driver's seat clutching the steering wheel, and wondering what the hell he did to deserve this life. The other _her_, she was it. he knew that from the first day she walked into his diner. He knew it through Rachel, he knew it with Nicole. He knew it when _she_ refused to see it; just as he knew it when they broke up the first time. He also knew that knowing something and admitting it was there, well, they were two entirely different things.

But finally, after four months of not being able to say her name, he shouted it at the top of his lungs, to no one in particular. He shouted it in frustration and anger, he laced it with his pain, his regret and loneliness.

All he wanted in his life was to have what his father had. A woman he loved deliriously, adored with abandon and maybe a few children to whom he would be completely devoted. He didn't need a high powered career, academic achievements or world peace. And now, all of a sudden, the woman of his dreams had betrayed him and he was out sticking his dick into anything that was warm and willing. If that wasn't enough, the mother of his kid was taking her away from him. That kid was the last thing in his life that he cherished, that held him together, that brought him happiness. He was sure his heart was broken into so many pieces it was irreparable. He was humpty dumpty and all the kings horses and all the kings men, would never be able to put his broken heart back together again.

And for all of it, after everything, he found his blame was placed not on Lorelai, but on himself for not trying hard enough to fix it. The irony of it didn't escape him. He was the one who fixed things, but when it came to the most important things in his life, he was the one who had broken everything. The bitter realization that he may have driven Lorelai into Christopher's bed was too much to bear. With his head against his steering wheel, he finally cried, whispering her name, until he fell into an exhausted sleep resting his head cradled in his arms against the wheel.

**--And So it Goes—**

Luke awake one warm summer morning, in that bed with the wooden frame and the fluffy white down comforter kicked to the end of the bed. It took him a few minutes to aquaint himself with the room, there was early morning sunlight streaming through the opened window, filtered through the sheer drawn curtains. The curtains were moving up and down from the light morning breeze and the entire room was lit up in a dusky orange hue. He had a sheet draped across himself from the waist down and when he turned he found Lorelai fast asleep next to him, like it was the most natural thing in the world. The sheet stopped at the curve of her hip, the sunlight combined with her bare skin made her glow, and that expanse of sun kissed skin made his fingers itch to touch. Luke turned to his side and inched to her back, he stuck his nose in the spot where her neck met she shoulder and inhaled her sweet scent. His ran his calloused hand up her side, down to her hip and rested in its favorite place along the curve of her bottom.

Upon making contact with her skin, Luke immediately felt enveloped with love and completely at peace. He closed his eyes again, trying to will himself back to sleep, while taking in her intoxicating aroma. She shifted towards him.

He awoke with a start. He was in his truck, his arms where both asleep and his head was resting on them. He could see his breath when he exhaled, his jeans felt extremely tight at the moment and he tasted whiskey on his lips... whiskey and a woman. It was acidic and suddenly he remembered what had happened the night before. He glanced at his watch, saw that it was almost five AM and reached for the door handle. Like a zombie on his feet, he went up to his bathroom, brushed his teeth and washed his face more vigorously than normal and collapsed onto his bed, his head finding the nearest pillow.

Right before he finally nodded off he caught a whiff of something extremely familiar, but it took him a moment to place it. He was resting on _her_ old pillow, the one he couldn't bring himself to remove from his bed, or even to change the case on. He suddenly discovered the smell was still distinctly trapped within the pillow if he squeezed it tight enough. For a moment he allowed himself to become enveloped in it, like she was actually there and all was well. Upon the sudden realization that yes, those bad things did happen, he threw the pillow from his bed into the bathroom, denying himself any comfort in it and flipped to his other side, his heart suddenly pounding in his ears.

Alcohol was one way to get to sleep quickly, he mused that getting trashed at 5am when only just getting sober, was not a great idea. He fell back on another old standby, a quick rub under the sheets.

**--The **_**Other**_** Blast from the Past--**

Whenever Luke almost managed to forget what had happened with Nicole, she would leave a message on his machine about meeting up again. His disgust would return in full force and drive him to avoid Curtis House, so that he managed to stay fairly sober, both sexually and in terms of alcohol, for a few weeks.

Luke sat facing the TV watching a baseball game, barely paying attention to that or the beer in his hand, as he was lost in thought. The phone rang, and Luke silently hoped that April could be the one to brighten up his evening instead of Sam Adams.

"Hey," a woman voiced, and immediately Luke knew that another ghost of his past had just decided to resurface.

"Rachel?" he asked, truly finding no resentment in his tone.

"Yeah, I got delayed in Hartford for the night. Would you be interested in dinner?"

They met up in Hartford and grabbed a quick bite to eat. Rachel talked most of the time describing what she had been taking pictures of lately. She led Luke to her hotel and asked if he wanted to come up. He responded affirmatively and without another word, he followed her to her room.

Luke sat shoeless on the edge of the bed in the hotel room, wearing his nicer ensemble consisting of his leather jacket and dress shirt with no hat. Rachel stood before him, slowly unbuttoning her yellow blouse. After she let it slide off of her shoulders, she lifted her camisole over her head, unbuttoned her jeans and slowly slid them down her long legs. She stared down at Luke, looking straight into his eyes and reached behind her back to unclasp her bra. Luke put his hands on her hips and buried his face in her abdomen, taking in her smell that was always so Rachel, like clean cotton and freshly laundered clothing.

Rachel slid the leather jacket from his shoulders and nudged him back slightly. She knelt before him, unbuttoned his dress shirt, slid it from his shoulders and pulled his undershirt up over his head. She then pushed him fully back on the mattress, unbuttoned his pants and pulled the rest of his clothing off in one swift motion.

Still in her underwear, Rachel climbed up by Luke's side and took him, half-erect, into her mouth. Luke let out a moan and quickly hardened. Rachel was always so good at that, and when Luke pushed at her shoulder so he could move over her, she pushed his hand back and continued until he came.

Rachel then moved to lay on her side next to him, a soft smile on her face, as she rubbed his arm. "Is everything okay, Luke?" she asked, sensing the air of sadness surrounding Luke throughout the entire night.

Luke stared up at the ceiling like he was trying to look right through it. He knew there was a heaviness sitting on his heart, he knew he hadn't felt so unhappy in years, but he had no idea how to articulate this peculiar brand of melancholy. Rachel, he realized, was one of his last good friends in this world. _I've been a good person_, Luke thought, _what did I do to deserve this?_

"I heard about the breakup," Rachel interjected, disturbing Luke's confused thoughts. At that Luke rose from the bed, feeling suddenly too naked and slipped his boxers and undershirt back on. Following suit, Rachel grabbed her pale yellow blouse and shrugged into it ignoring the buttons. Luke returned to the bed, sat, balanced his elbows on his knees and places his head in his hands.

"Luke," Rachel whispered, rubbing his back gently. "Things will get better. I mean, when I left, you moved on—"

"It's not the same Rachel," Luke responded, turning to face her. "I can't explain to you how different it is." At this Luke's voice cracked slightly and he squeezed his eyes shut tight to keep the burning tears from spilling over.

"Oh, Luke," Rachel whispered before gathering his head in her hands and kissing his forehead before placing his head against her chest. She felt him left out a soft sob into her chest; they sat there in companionable silence until he quieted.

"Carrie told me she was with her kid's dad?" Rachel asked, to the top of Luke's head. "Luke if you're, I mean, maybe you should just go get her back?"

Luke shook his head, still half-resting on her chest. "I can't…"

"I'm sure she—"

"No. She went to him, when we were…" At this Luke felt like he had reached the end of the rope, revealing further feelings and factoids about the end of his relationship was just going to sink him further into a place he didn't want Rachel to see. He's already shown too much of himself that night. He took in a huge breath of air, squeezed his eyes shut and started to caress Rachel's exposed abdomen. He then raised his head and started to teasingly bite her neck.

Rachel let out a small laugh and then pushed Luke's hand away. "I'm not sure we should be doing this Luke," she said as he continued to advance, teasingly brushing her hands away so he could touch her smooth skin.

All Luke could manage to say was, "Want." Soon Rachel stopped resisting, and once again, she removed Luke's shirt. This time Luke didn't wait; he stuck his hand down the front of her cotton panties and started to caress the area between her legs. Rachel let out a breath of air in surprise and quickly fell back on the bed as Luke continued his ministrations. His other hand moved up her abdomen and stopped when he held her small breast. Gently, he squeezed it as his mouth traveled down to her other nipple and sucked on it insistently.

Soon Luke's erection was peaking out of his boxers and his urgency was evident by the two fingers he had placed deep inside of her. Rachel removed her panties while Luke's fingers pushed deeper still. Then, she pushed Luke's boxers down as far as she could reach. She placed a quelling hand on Luke's wrist to slow his motions, as his actions were approaching a level of roughness that she was not accustomed to.

Luke removed his hand, moved his head up to look Rachel in the eye and then slowly slid into her welcoming warmth with his boxers still around his knees. He left out a huff of air and closed his eyes, relishing in the lustful pleasure that was coursing through his veins, and blocking out all other emotions. He balanced his forehead against Rachel's and started to slowly move in and out of her, concentrating on his movements and her warm breath on his face.

Soon, his pace quickened and he felt like his climax was just within his grasp. He intensified his motions, striving to reach his elusive goal, but failing as it remained just out of his reach. He had noticed Rachel's orgasm earlier, but she didn't protest as he continued on. After a time, Luke was soaked in sweat, his face was tight and red with frustration and his breathing was labored. Rachel ran her arms up his shoulders and whispered soothing words into his ear. "It's okay, Luke, you don't have to," she said.

"I haven't…" he huffed, noticing as he started to lose all feeling between his legs.

"You don't have to, it's okay," Rachel persisted, all the while rubbing his arms and back in a slow soothing rhythm.

Luke soon noticed his erection was half gone and fell to Rachel's side in embarrassment. He placed his arm over his eyes and grunted in frustration. "This has never happened to me before. I'm sorry…"

Rachel, still wearing that yellow blouse, rolled to her side to face Luke. "It's really okay. Luke. I mean, I still had a, you know, so, well it wasn't a complete waste," she said, trying to coax a whisper of a smile from him.

Luke rubbed a hand over his face before turning to get up from the bed, not able to look Rachel in the eye.

"She really did a number on you," Rachel commented towards Luke's back as he started to gather up his things. When he didn't respond she continued, "It'll get easier, Luke."

Clad in boxers and pants, and searching for his second sock, Luke kept his back to her. "I don't think it will, Rachel. She was the one and I blew it, we blew it. There aren't any others."

"You're just saying that—"

"No, I'm not," Luke responded tersely. "I've gotta go," he said as he moved to pull his socks onto his feet.

"Luke, don't go like this, please," Rachel said, failing to hide the emotion in her voice.

Finally, Luke turned to look her in the eye, realizing he hadn't even asked her how she was doing the entire night. He placed his hand on her knee and tried to smile. "I'm sorry Rachel. I didn't mean to make this entire night about me, things have just been so, well, fucked up." He let out a frustrated breath of air, "How have _you_ been?"

Rachel fell back onto the bed in a fit of laughter, which finally made Luke smile. "Now that's the Luke I know," she said between giggles, still very much in the buff, with her arms behind her head, resting on a pillow. "Luke," she said sobering. "Stay the night, we don't have to, you know."

Still shirtless, Luke rested his head in his hands and sighed. He turned to face her again, "Well, as long as you let me make it up to you later then." He paused to intake a deep breath of air, "Rachel I'm not, I mean, this is all it can be."

"I know," she responded immediately. "Just for tonight."

**--Crazy is Right--**

After being with Rachel for an evening, Luke felt a bit lighter and maybe even a tiny bit happier. He had no intentions of getting seriously involved with her again, and didn't believe she did either. It was just nice to bury himself in a friend once more, emotionally and physically. It was good to be with someone who was once so familiar, and forget about the worries that had been haunting him for months. Rachel could read him like a book and he liked the fact that he didn't need to explain his actions to her.

Leaving Rachel's hotel room the next morning, he didn't feel any guilt at all. He couldn't help mentally comparing it to leaving Nicole's motel room. Leaving Nicole was far more humiliating and he was glad he had history with at least one woman that didn't make him shudder when he thought of her. He mused that he wished Rachel was his ex-wife and not Nicole.

And the lightness in his step carried over to the birth of his niece, the beautiful and aptly named Doula. Holding that little girl in his arms, Luke wondered what April was like at that age. He realized as that smiling baby was staring up at him, trying to grab his nose, that he would do anything in the world for April. He knew that any possibility of children in the future had slipped through his fingers, but that he wasn't going to let anything stop him from keeping what he still had. He was going to fight for April, even if it killed him.

Past precedent for men in his situation was extremely grim when it came to custody hearings and he hated lawyers, especially so after being married to one, but he sucked it up for his kid. Luke couldn't deny his own excitement, the fight was on. Luke gripped the steering wheel of his truck tightly on his drive home from his lawyers office that night. The rain had died down and the sky was clear, he could hear his tires hum on the pavement. He pulled up in front of the diner and went to grab something from the bed of his truck when he spotted a man standing across the street from him. It was Christopher. Luke didn't need to see the fighting look in Chris's eyes to know what the man really wanted from him, Luke tossed his coat down as Chris tossed his scarf into the street.

Christopher took the first swing, which Luke ducked and immediately retaliated by hitting him square in the nose. The man went down quick and Luke followed him, he grabbed him from the back and shoved him squarely into Santa's workshop, knocking it over like a house of cards. Chris bounced off what was left of the building and took Luke to the ground, but Luke was soon on top of him trying to get a good grip to land another punch. Chris pushed him off and they both struggled to get to their feet. Chris rushed at him next, they gripped each others arms until Chris pushed Luke off and lightly punched the side of his face. After rearing back, Luke came back with twice as much force and knocked Christopher off his feet again when his fist came in contact with Chris' jaw. When Christopher was back on his feet, worse for wear, he screamed and charged at Luke, pulling Luke and himself into the lit up Christmas tree. 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' started to play as the two men, worn and beaten, scrambled through the already ramshackle Christmas gifts that had been placed under the tree. When both men finally made it to their feet for the last time, they circled each other wearily before heading back to their original destinations.

Luke knew why he was fighting Christopher in the street, he could almost smell rotten pickles when he thought of the night he had seen Lorelai and Rory in his Volvo. He took some enjoyment in the fact that there was still some unsettled resentment from Christopher towards him. He wondered, hoped even, if Lorelai and Christopher were having trouble. Luke took some enjoyment in the fact that even though Christopher had _her_ he still hadn't won, or so it seemed.

But the nights didn't stop being lonely, his apartment was still empty, and inevitably, Luke soon returned to the Curtis House and his familiar barstool across from his friend Tommy the bartender. Luke was careful to keep it in his pants for a while, not actively seeking out loose women at the bar. After a couple lonely drunken and frozen nights asleep in his truck, buried under a stolen wool U-Haul packing blanket, he finally gave into a woman that had been advancing on him for a while.

Her name was Candice and she was about Luke's age. She was a shorter woman, medium build with large voluptuous breasts that threw her frame off balance. Candice had been through a couple divorces and had a few kids scattered over the United States, with no family in the immediate area. Luke didn't really find her attractive or appealing, which he had made plain to her on several occasions after a few too many drinks. She was a harmless drunk though, and Luke never took any of her advances personally. One evening, she followed him out to his truck after he had offered her a ride home, feeling bad about putting this drunken woman into a cab with a stranger.

He didn't really know how it had happened or what words were spoken, even though he had felt especially sober that night, as if nothing he drank was affecting his system. But there was Candice, squatting in front of him, Luke's back to the driver's side door to his truck. His pants were around his ankles, his butt up against the freezing cold steel of his truck and Candice had his entire length in her mouth. The combination of the warmth of her mouth and the biting cold of the winter created an extremely interesting sensation. In addition, she had loosened her breasts from her blouse and bra and they were spilling over against Luke's thighs. He had to admit, if only to himself, the view wasn't half bad and she did do a fantastic job down there.

When all was said and done, after Candice had swallowed deeply all that he had spilled between her lips, she climbed into his truck for her ride home. Luke wondered guiltily if she had done that for the ride, but quickly pushed the thought from his mind. Candice and he never spoke of the incident, which made Luke a little more comfortable with the situation. He made a mental note to never allow that to happen again though.

A few days later Luke noticed Candice at her usual barfly stool and smiled awkwardly at her. She waved at him and walked over, a female friend trailing behind her. Luke almost spit his drink out when he realized who was with Candice.

"Why, Butch!" the woman shouted before stealthily moving to pinch his butt.

Luke quickly rose to his feet and removed his rear from her reach. "Cra—Carrie!" he sputtered.

"See Cand, I leave him speechless," Carrie said in mock whisper to her friend. Candice laughed and went back to her stool, winking at Luke.

_What the fuck_, Luke thought, _what did she tell her?_

Carrie sat down in the stool next to Luke. "So, _Butch_, going to buy me a drink or what?"

Grumbling, Luke sat and motioned for Tommy to get Carrie whatever she wanted. "Where is your husband, Carrie?"

"Oh forget about that Luke! Candy tells me you're quite the man," responded in a forcefully sultry voice.

Tommy handed Carrie her Long Island Iced Tea and she laughed. "So, are you trying to get me drunk and reenact our night under the bleachers?" Sitting back on her stool, Carrie spread her legs wide revealing a leopard print thong from under her short skirt. When she noticed Luke's eye wander between her legs, she placed a hand on her upper inner thigh.

Luke quickly averted his eyes to her face, not willing to admit to himself that he was starting to feel slightly aroused. "Carrie, I think you've got the wrong impression."

"Well, you're a free man, it'd be a shame not to take advantage of that… or me," Carrie said before she stuck her tongue out of her mouth and sucked on her straw. "Plus Candy told me about the blow job she gave you."

Luke, for the second time that night, almost spit his drink out. He managed to inhale it instead and started to turn beat red from the coughing. "It's okay, Butch," Carrie said, moving closer. "I wouldn't mind a little foreplay. Like I said, I heard you've got _a lot_ to please a woman," she finished in mock whisper

_Wow, Carrie sure has a way with words,_ he thought ruefully as he noticed Carrie's hand slide onto his thigh. Quickly Luke tried to reevaluate the logic of the situation, the mere thought of having a woman willing to do that to him turned him on in a sick way that his drunk brain had very little control over. He started to mentally recite the types of fish he'd caught in the Connecticut River, while trying to decide if doing _anything_ with Carrie was something he could ever forgive himself for. When he pictured the disgusted look on Lorelai's face the day of the Fiddler on the Roof performance, Luke had his answer and an immediately diminished arousal.

Quickly, before his lust overtook his inebriated brain once more, he downed his drink, stood and backed away form her. "Listen Carrie, as much as any man probably wants to well, uh, with you, I mean. I'm gonna go. I'm sorry, maybe another time."

He slapped a couple twenty-dollar bills onto the bar, waved at Tommy and rushed out the door. He climbed into his truck as he saw Carrie step out of the bar, apparently looking for him. Without realizing what state he was in, he put his truck in gear and sped from the parking lot. As soon as he felt he had reached a safe distance from the bar, he pulled over onto the side of the road, cranked the heat and sprawled out onto the seat of his truck. His drunken thoughts immediately strayed to a similar leopard print thong he had once experienced on a different woman and the scent of her suddenly hung thick in the air. Luke freed himself from his jeans and stroked himself, imagining what it was like to be buried deep inside of her. He imagined her soft moans and the feel of her silky skin under his rough and calloused hands. He came quickly, tucked himself away, turned his truck off and fell asleep below the wool packing blanket for a few hours in a blissfully drunken state, hoping he wouldn't dream of Lorelai.

**TBC with: Her Name Was Mimi**


	2. Luke's Dark Year Part II

**Luke's Dark Year Part II**

**--Her Name Was Mimi--**

There was a buzzing on the dresser, the phone alternating beeping and vibrating. It was a different dresser, low and double wide, made of worn cherry. A silver cell phone stood in a charging stand atop it. As it buzzed the screen on the outside lit up, revealing the caller: Honey Bun.

Groggy and confused, Luke rolled out of bed. He was on the right side of a king sized mattress with a fluffy beige comforter and light blue sheets. He wore a t-shirt that read YALE across the front in big bold navy blue letters and red plaid boxers. Half crawling, Luke made it to the phone and fumbled picking it up. "Hello?" he asked, not bothering to check the display, but mentally noting that it was 3am after glancing at a purple fuzzy alarm clock.

"Luke?" He heard a timid voice on the other side of the line ask, almost choked with tears.

Luke's heart began to pound. "Lorelai. Where are you?"

"I'm sorry," she replied, sniffling.

"It's okay, just come home," he pleaded, while rubbing the back of his neck. "I can't sleep without you here."

The was silence on the other end of the line, save for her shallow gasping and Luke dreaded her next words.

"Something's wrong," she said in the faintest of whispers.

"Where are you?" he pressed, the pounding of his heart starting to ring in his ears, the panic starting to coil in his belly.

"At the Dragonfly, room four..." More sobs were clearly heard.

"Do you want me to come get you?"

"Something's wrong Luke..."

"What's wrong?" Luke pleaded, angst ridden, still kneeling in front of that black dresser, staring at a framed picture of a smitten Emily Gilmore holding a smiling little boy.

No answer came from the other line. Luke heard a crash and without any further thought he was on his feet and out the door of that room. Still in his pajamas, bare footed, full thigh and leg showing, Luke ran through the front door of the Dragonfly Inn. The night manager lifted his head from the desk and regarded Luke groggily but didn't stop him as he ran up the stairs.

Reaching room four, Luke tried the handle. It didn't budge. "Lorelai, sweetheart, open the door!" he shouted, jiggling the handle. No answer came. And with that he stood back and ran with all of his might into the door, with his shoulder leading the way. It felt like there was a concrete wall behind that door, but nothing was going to stop him from opening it. He banged and banged on the door until his arm felt numb and the sweat was dripping down his body. It wasn't even moving an inch, there was no give, it would not open. One last time he shouted her name and fell to the floor, gasping for breath, cradling his broken shoulder.

There was another bang and in a giant flash of light, Luke's eyes flew open. He was on the floor, in his apartment above the diner, staring up at the ceiling. His arm was tangled in a sheet and numb, judging by the pins and needles in his hand, he realized that he must have been sleeping on it. It was morning and Luke felt as though he'd been awake for months. The reality of the past year came to him slowly and settled upon his shoulders like a giant weight. Silently he thanked God for throwing him from his bed because he wondered how he ever would have gotten out of it again under his own power.

Luke's first waking moments set the tone for his entire day and he soon found that he could not handle his own company. The diner was slow and his thoughts were overwhelming. His lawyer had advised him to ask someone to write a character reference for his court case and Luke anxiously anticipated what his sister might come up with. He gave up at 4PM and offered to pay Lane double overtime if she could stay until closing. And he got out of there as fast as his feet would take him.

He arrived at his sister's home, breaking several traffic laws on his way over, and promptly banged on her front door. He heard Doula begin to scream and immediately regretted the noise he had made. Still his sister cheerily answered the door, placing Doula in his arms the moment he stepped inside. The baby immediately quieted and instantly it brought some calm to Luke's racing heartbeat. But then he read his sister's character reference. He had to place the baby in her crib before he lost the scant remains of his breakfast. He forced a smile for Liz and excused himself, saying he had to return to the diner. The letter was almost laughable and there was no one else in the world that could write it for him.

He sped the entire way to Woodbury and Curtis House, claimed his stool and began to rack up his tab. His thoughts were bordering on suicidal, he didn't know how he'd make it through the next few weeks after the court date if he wasn't allowed to ever see his kid again. He couldn't think of anyone in his life, that knew him, that knew his kid, that could possibly write something satisfactory for him. Well he could, he could ask Lorelai, but that was one step he wasn't sure he could take. The thought made his disposition sink even lower, adding 'cowardly' to his mix of already conflicted emotions and short-comings. His first shot of Jack Daniels was for his daughter that he would soon lose. His second was for Lorelai. The third was for his dwindling man-hood, another was for camp-girl, false-Hope, then one for Nicole, Rachel, even Candace and Carrie. He rotated between them until he was told that the bottle was empty. He looked up at the clock and could barely make out the shaking hand pointing at what he thought was 9pm.

He tried to explain to Tommy about _his_ Lorelai and _his_ April, he kept saying, _my Lorelai, my April_. He tried to tell Tommy about how he'd probably lost them both, but his drink addled brain couldn't parse the words. The moment Luke fell backwards from the stool, he closed his eyes and wondered if that was it. He half hoped that when he opened his eyes he'd see his mom and dad, that they'd say it was all a big joke, that maybe Lorelai would be there, holding his hand, laughing along.

And when he finally did open his eyes, _she_ was there and he wasn't sure if she was real. He surveyed his surroundings. There was a tall bar table where his head rested, a bench that he was sitting on, and a half empty glass of water by his arm. Lorelai was on a bar stool to his right, looking down at him with a worried expression.

After a few more minutes of processing, he looked her in the eye. Well, one of her seven or so moving eyes. "Real?" he struggled to ask, while he squinted and swallowed, trying to visually put her back together and failing.

She put her hand on his forearm and bit her lip. "Yeah, Luke."

"Fuck dup," he told her, trying so hard to act sober, but still unwilling to raise his head from the table for fear of it causing the world to spin and rotate around him. Her bouncing blurry face was starting to give him a head ache.

Lorelai opened her mouth to respond but found no words. She closed it and sighed, "Do you think you can walk?"

When he nodded after taking a deep breath, she reached around his back, grabbed him under his arm and almost dragged him to his feet. Luke put as much weight on her as he could control and started to stagger towards the door. "Lore-lai," he whispered, one arm around her and one tightly grasping his own abdomen.

"Shhh," she hissed with some aggravation. "Not now Luke, you're piss drunk."

It was a team effort, but Luke managed to plop himself into the passenger seat of her Jeep, his head resting against the plastic window enclosure to his right. Lorelai climbed into the driver's side and started to pull away from the curb her face clouded with worry and frustration.

"Were na goin' ta... Suhhollow?" Luke tried to ask while bobbing his head and gesturing with his hand, when he noticed a blurry Taco Bell sign above his head.

"No," Lorelai expressed with finality. "We're going for a drive after I get you something to drink."

"Wha?" Luke asked, raising his left hand to shield his face from the bright light of the parking lot. By the time his palm got to his forehead, he felt Lorelai pulling it back down and an extra large Taco Bell cup was shoved into his hand. Luke wondered if he had traveled through time.

"You better start sipping if you know whats good for you."

"Lorelai?"

"Drink it! Now!" She snapped, hands tightly gripping the wheel. With a huff Lorelai shifted from park and pulled out of the lot while Luke dutifully sipped the bright blue liquid from the cup, her voice ringing painfully in his ears.

As soon as she noticed that he had taken a few large gulps she started to question him. "What has gotten into you Luke? Your friend at the bar said you've been going there almost every week since... since... June." Luke was still obviously drunk but he still detected the shakiness of her voice. How was he supposed to explain to her that what he had said to her on that May morning, that felt like a hundred years ago, was still true? That without her, or April now, none of it mattered?

He bit back on his sadness, suddenly feeling soberness wash over him. "Whadda you care," he stated more than asked.

"I care, Luke!" She shouted back with obviously aggravation in her voice, Luke cringed and grabbed his forehead again. They soon let the silence overtake them.

"No, you don't," he finally said. And again, silence. Lorelai took a few intermittent breaths every once in a while, trying to force her thoughts from her mind but continually bit them down.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Lorelai prompted him finally, after what felt like hours, her voice cracking on the last word. She feigned intense interest in the road and leaned forward in her seat, blinking rapidly.

Luke put his now empty cup on the floor, he fold his arms over the dash and buried his head in them. His brain shouted what he wanted to say, _pounded_, but he couldn't let her in. "My dad woulda kicked my ass..." Luke whispered, not realizing he had said it out loud.

"What?" Lorelai asked, caught off guard as his response wasn't the one she had thought she expected.

Luke turned his head and looked over at her. "I didn't lie, my dad would have loved you. He would have killed me if he found out what I did to you."

"Luke..." Lorelai whispered, trying to keep her emotions at bay.

"It's true, I fucked us up."

"You weren't the one that fucked up," she told him, her voice cracking. With that Lorelai pulled over into the shoulder and rubbed her face with her hands.

"Lorelai--"

"Please don't say it like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you used to..."

"Why didn't you just punch me?"

"What?" she asked, incredulous, finally removing her hands and turning to face him, just for a moment, before she looked away again.

"Remember when I moved to Lichfield with Nicole?" Luke asked her, noticing a slight cringe flit across her face. "You were so mad I didn't tell you, you just ran out the diner." _With my heart_, he thought. "Talking about decomposing..." When she didn't respond he continued, "It was so small compared to this, but you--you called me on it."

"I don't know," Lorelai whispered softly as a tear fell down her cheek.

"This was so much worse, what I did to you."

"The last time I pushed you Luke..."

"I pushed back," he said, realization dawning upon him, remembering her parents vow renewal. "Lo-- I, I don't know what happened to us."

"Me either."

"I...." _Love you so much_, he thought and stopped himself before he voiced the words.

"Lets get you home," Lorelai said as she noticed the awkward silence that suddenly seemed to envelop them. She pulled out of the shoulder and headed back to Star's Hollow.

**-Will You?-**

"You'll be good with water? Do you want me to get you more ibuprofen?"

"No, no, I'm good, thanks for uh... dragging me up," Luke asked, he was seated on the edge of his bed, still in his vomit stained clothing, blushing slightly as Lorelai hovered by him, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest. "I should uh, get in the shower... It's late, you really don't have to stay. I'll be fine."

"Luke you just booted a gallon of bright blue Poweraid and whiskey all over the back alley."

"Wonder what Taylor will say."

"I think your reputation ensures that he won't suspect you."

"Yeah I haven't eaten anything blue since Al's manicotti."

Lorelai smiled wistfully at his comment and moved to sit on the couch.

"Lorelai you really don't have to stay, won't uh Chr-- your uh, I mean, uh, _he_, wonder where you are?"

"I'm not going anywhere Luke, the bathroom has a door that you can lock if you're afraid I'm going to come in there or something. Go shower, you stink."

"Gee, thanks," He said as he stood and slowly made his way to the bathroom. His head was still spinning but it felt lighter. _Better out than in_, he thought. When he finally emerged from the shower he realized he had forgotten to take anything into the bathroom to change into. His heart started to pound as he considered his options. Go out there, in his towel or put his puke and sweat stained clothing back on.

Quickly he whipped the door open. "Sorry, sorry. I forgot clothes," he said, blushing, the towel wrapped tightly around his waist, and rushed to rummage in his dresser.

Lorelai turned to look at him, only hearing his words after she stared at his bare chest for a few seconds. A deep crimson blush flushed her cheeks, but Luke was back in the bathroom before she had a chance to look away. She finally realized her mouth was hanging open and wondered if there was drool on her chin.

Luke came out again a minute later in a t-shirt and sweats, a small smile was tugging at his lips when he thought about the reponse he had elicited from her. "So are you planning on sleeping here?" he asked.

"What? Oh, no!" Lorelai said, a little loudly, as she stood and wrapped her arms around her chest. His fists were resting on his hips. "I'm sorry Luke," she uttered quickly as she started to pace around the small apartment.

"Sorry?" he asked, confused, wondering if he was the one that was supposed to be apologizing to her.

She stopped pacing and approached him, she stood a foot from him and stared him straight in the eye. "I messed up. That night I went to Christopher. I'm sorry."

Luke was caught slightly off guard but suddenly felt more sober. "Yeah, I'm, uh ... I'm sorry, too," he told her.

"No, no, let me go first," Lorelai responded, loosening her arms from around her chest.

"Okay," Luke whispered, his voice was deep and calm.

Lorelai blinked rapidly and continued, "I mean I never admitted it to you that it was wrong what I did. It was, and I'm really sorry."

"Okay. Thanks," he responded, a smile tugging at his lips.

She let out a gusty sigh that Luke felt against his flushed skin, before she continued, "I don't know why I didn't say this before."

Luke dropped his gaze and played with his hands, "Ah. You know... I'm sorry, too." He lifted his head and looked her in the eye. "Because ... I don't know, it's just, now that we've been apart I've had a lot of time to think, and I was crazy to think that I had to fix everything in my relationship with April before I could really be with you. I should have gotten your help."

"I wanted to help."

"I know. And I'm sorry. Also, because I kind of used April to push you away."

"You did, huh?" Lorelai's posture mirrored his, and she was also playing with her hands against her abdomen.

"Yeah, I think so. I was afraid, and I'm so sorry."

She sighed gustlily a second time before responding, her eyes squeezed shut, "It's really okay."

In response Luke just exhaled deeply and turned to sit on the couch. "I'm exhausted."

Laughing, Lorelai turned and moved to sit next to him, suddenly feeling lighter.

"Lorelai," he said before thinking, he squeezed his eyes shut when he remembered she had asked him not to say her name. Tentatively he turned to look at her, when he noticed she hadn't reacted negatively, he continued, "I wasn't gonna ask you to do this. I wasn't sure if you would but I still need your help. I mean, I've thought of everyone I could ask, and you were always the one that came out on top."

He buried his face in his hands when he realized what he'd said. "_Dirty_, I know," Lorelai just laughed and smiled. Luke was rendered momentarily speechless by her smile, trying to remember the last time he'd seen that look on her face.

"Luke?" she prompted after a moment.

"Yeah?" he responded, still lost in thought.

"Ask me to do what?"

"Oh! Anna wants to move to New Mexico with April."

"New Mexico?"

"Anna's mother had major surgery, and she's not doing so well. And Anna wants to be near her, which I get. It's just I'd like to see April on some weekends and vacations. But Anna says no. In fact, right now, she's not letting me see April at all. So, I have to fight for custody, and I'm going to court."

"Wow."

"Yeah, it's a whole thing. I got a lawyer and have to wear a tie. It's not fun"

"It's good you're doing it, though."

"Well, I can't not. You know I can't not do it."

"Right"

"So, anyway, um, the court date is coming up. And I need a character reference. And Liz wrote one, but I read it, and it was sweet, but it was filled with all these weird childhood anecdotes that I probably don't want to share with anyone, much less a court of law. And I need another one, and I just don't know who to go to. And I know it's an awful lot to ask. And if it's weird or whatever…"

"Yes..."

"I mean, I totally understand, after everything."

"Yes."

"But if you could, uh...."

"Yes, I'll do it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

And then there was silence, Lorelai was lost in Luke's eyes, and Luke was lost in hers. The quiet enveloped them until it was punctuated by the quiet buzz of a vibrating phone. Lorelai shifted and realized it was coming from her pocket, she flipped it out and lifted it to her ear.

"Christopher!" she stated, eyes wide with shock. "It's uh, it's uh ... oh it's three AM? Oh! Yeah, at the inn, yup, lost track of time. Inventory? Oh yeah, yeah that's it, you know me and those fresh white towels, can't get enough of 'em! No no, I'm on my way. No, you don't need to do that. Th-thanks, hon."

Luke sank back into the couch and closed his eyes. His heart was suddenly pounding again in his ears and the nausea started to creep back into his stomach.

"You'll be ok?" she asked as she stood.

"What? Oh, yeah, yeah. Thanks," Luke told her, remembering why she had crossed his path in the first place.

"Luke?"

"Hmmm?" he asked as he opened his eyes. She had reassumed her anxious position with her hands wrapped around her chest.

"You'll be careful?"

"Yeah."

**-Sorry Pluto, You've Been Demoted-**

It was easy to stay sober. There was a strange quiet feeling that had permeated through Luke, and the days went by a little quicker.

He got to spend Christmas day with a squirming Doula in his arms, his face lighting up every time the little girl managed to smile, burp, or even glance in his direction. Right after the holidays, Luke had dropped off an envelope with his lawyer's information at the Dragonfly, assuring Lorelai that whatever she wrote would be great and that she should just send it in. He really didn't know what he was doing when it came to her, but he the thought of rekindling a friendship made him smile. Internally, he felt a strange calm had washed over him. Maybe it was just the quiet before the storm, or the moment of peace before the custody hearing.

And one late morning after Christmas day, April breezed into the diner, her wacky safety helmet under one arm and a giant duct tape wad of some sort clutched under the other. Luke was so damn happy to see her. He hadn't realized just how much she lit up his life until she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and called him _Dad_. The giant wad of duct tape concealed a mask that was molded from her face. He hung it on the wall with pride, unable to see just how truly ugly it was.

April excitedly unwrapped her giant gift and Luke felt warmth flood his long cold heart. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be a real Dad on Christmas morning, thoughts of parents spoiling their jam-handed kids with toys started to make a little more sense. One look at April's excited face as she tore the wrapping off of her gift was all it took. Luke wasn't really surprised to find out that April, his little geologist, already had a rock tumbler so he jumped at the chance to take her to her favorite store at the mall.

The mall, a place he previously loathed, was now something he greeted with excitement through the eyes of his daughter. April babbled on about the classification of planets and planetoids when they noticed that all the Pluto merchandise was on clearance. Luke forgot to breathe when he saw Lorelai and Rory standing together at the other side of the store, laden with bags, wearing gaudy Christmas sweaters. When they walked over to greet them, Luke smiled warmly when he caught Lorelai's eye.

"Hey," everyone said almost simultaneously by way of greeting.

"Yeah," Luke started, staring at Lorelai as if he was continuing a prior conversation, shuffling a giant box around in his arms. "April showed up at the diner today out of the blue."

"You make it sound like Pearl Harbor or something," April mused with a confused look on her face, but turned quickly to examine at the pile of microscopes at her side.

"No, I mean it was a surprise, a n-nice surprise," Luke told his daughter before turning towards Lorelai and Rory. "So, hows it going?"

Lorelai took a deep breath, "It's uh, I'm almost done!"

"Done?" Luke asked her confused

"Uh, you're not talking about the letter, you're just asking in general," Lorelai stuttered uncomfortably.

"I meant, how's it going?"

"Good. I'm good. We're good."

"Hey, so I like your sweaters, they're very festive!" April cut in.

Lorelai and Rory explained how they waited to do Christmas together this year and Luke understood immediately. They went on to talk about the silly gifts Luke had given Rory, unicorns and monogrammed towels, and Lorelai smiled fondly, listening to her daughter easily converse with Luke. Rory soon moved to join April in another part of the store, chattering about science kits, microscopes, and Rory's trip to London.

Lorelai moved closer to Luke's side. "So, how are you?" she asked him, staring down at a now obsolete solar system with nine planets.

Luke seemed to have been lost in thought, staring after his daughter with a small smile playing across his face. "Oh," he said quietly. "Fine, fine, I'm fine." He turned to look her in the eye, "I never got to.... Thanks for taking care of me, it meant a lot."

_Again with that smile_, he thought as her eyes brightened. His heart skipped a beat and he could feel butterflies in his stomach.

"Any time, Luke," she told him. "I mean, don't ever do that again, but I'll be there if you--"

"Dad!" April cut in, rushing to his side in excitement, a giant box clutched in her arms. "I found the microscope I wanted! I didn't think they'd have it, but they do, it was just buried under all the other crappy plastic ones!"

Luke pulled his eyes from Lorelai, took a deep breath and smiled. "That's great sweetie, here lets go take care of these."

As Luke and April turned towards the register, Lorelai and Rory bid their good byes and Luke watched them retreat from the store.

"Hey, Dad?" April asked, noticing his attention was elsewhere.

"Hmm?" he asked, turning towards her and automatically smiling so widely that it crinkled his eyes.

"You miss her?" April inquired, looking up at him, searching his eyes.

Suddenly feeling a little dizzy, Luke stared at his daughter in confusion. _Had she read the look on his face? Was there anything reflected back in Lorelai's shy glances?_ "I...," he had started, but was relieved when the cashier waved them over. "Let's get checked out so I can take you home, kiddo."

**-Hair Pin Turn-**

It was just one of those days. After dropping April and her bike off in Woodbridge, Luke couldn't bring himself to serve the Stars Hollow denizens in his diner. He checked out mentally and as it seems, he lost control of his legs. He climbed into his truck, and started to drive. The determined driving looked like it took forethought. It was as if Luke drove down dirt roads with purpose, taking turns and changing lanes, pulling in circles around dead ends and milling from time to time over bridges or on the edges of mountains.

To Luke, it seemed as if the road was moving him along in his truck, like a conveyor belt, rather than the other way around. He didn't think he was looking for anything, but he felt like he was finally seeing it all.

He found himself on Route 2, driving through Massachusetts, and crossing the Berkshire mountains from the Franklin county side. There were four signs warning of a hairpin turn and he mused that he had never before seen a hairpin turn, save for whatever mess Wile E. Coyote got himself into on Saturday mornings. There was snow on either side of the road and as luck had it, Winter had shed all the leaves on the trees so the view over the edge of the mountain was clearly visible. Luke found himself wondering if a hairpin turn really was what it had made itself out to be.

Being a cautious man, he slowed as he approached the turn after the last warning sign. He almost lost his breath when he came upon it. The sun was setting and he was alone on the road, he slowed to a halt before completing the nearly 180 degree turn. In the distance a few miles away, snow covered mountains made up the horizon. They sat below a canopy of gold, orange and pink clouds. The sun filtered through the illuminated clouds in light yellow rays and he wondered whistfully for a moment if he was caught up in some evangelical television ad. _No_, he thought, _no this is the real thing_. He parked by a small white house that was nestled on the very tip of the hair pin turn and watched the sunset, completely enraptured and oblivious of the change of time.

The sun was gigantic, it's size only grew as it desdended more towards the horizon. Clouds swirled around it, making streaks of color slightly reminiscent of the bands of Jupiter. Above his head, Luke noticed that the sky was slowly going from a light and whistful blue, to a deep, almost purple, navy. The evening stars started to pop up on the darkening horizon and Luke remembered April telling him that Mars was one of those evening stars. When the sun was finally gone, the sky and the stars sparkled, as if no man had ever let a light shine in the evening.

Luke found himself transported to his boyhood - laying on his sleeping bag next to his father, staring up in awe. He learned the constellations, and together they made up their own. Shooting stars embellished by his imagination zipped across the sky as the band of the Milky Way Galaxy made itself more than noticeable. In that moment Luke wanted to be an astronaut again, he wanted to be able to see it all up close. All at once he felt small, he felt large, he felt lucky, enraptured, breathless, wordless, like he was conducting electricity, like everything mattered and nothing mattered. And for that moment, he felt a connection to everything. The universe, the planet, all those crazy people on the surface and everything was... _okay_. It was like all those hippies finally made sense, even though he'd never admit it.

Suddenly he realized that his toes were cold. He wigged them, and saw his frosty breath as he exhaled in the darkness of the cab of his truck. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, but chuckled when he heard his stomach rumble. He looked to his side and noticed the lights were on in the small white house to his right and he laughed when he saw the giant sign splayed across the side of this 'house'. The house itself wasn't so small actually, it was a large white colonial two story restaurant with a sign boasting the best food on the famous hair pin turn on Rt. 2.

Luke parked his truck in a proper parking spot and stepped into this restaurant that seemed like a blip in an otherworldly dimension. He heard Lorelai in his head, _Very prancing pony_. From the dark of the night, he pulled the door open to reveal inviting gold firelight dancing across a worn wooden floor. He smiled at a waitress who waved him over to an old wooden table nestled into a corner by the fire.

_There are always good things in life_, Luke thought to himself as he rubbed his hands together in front of the fire. _I wonder why I keep forgetting about them._

That night, when he finally found his way home, he fell into the welcoming warmth of his bed. He reflected on what he used to do on Wednesday evenings, and nodded off into the first blissful night of sleep he had had in over a year.

**--To Whom It May Concern--**

It took a lot of fighting, a lot of screaming, a lot of angst and drama; for Luke to get where he was today. He promised himself that he would fight for the things that were due to him, the good things in life that were supposed to make him happy. He vowed to never miss a sunset even if it remotely inspired poetry, that he'd always remember the light in the eyes of his daughter, and that he'd do everything in his power to make her happy, to keep her healthy. If he lost here today, he'd keep fighting. He wouldn't let this overtake him, he'd find _it_, whatever the hell _it_ was.

But he'd be damned to hell if he sat there and let them talk about him as if he wasn't in the room. _ Didn't they understand? Didn't the judge see it? He was fighting for his daughter and he was fighting for himself just as much. It was important and for such a... such a fruity reason! _ A spiritual reason, intangible and unexplainable. It was just a feeling, he knew just because of the way it made him feel. He needed her there, because she helped him see and feel those beautiful things in the world. He need the color that having April in his life gave him.

And then the judge read the letter, the thing he had almost completely forgotten about on his long drive earlier that week.

_To Whom it may concern,_

In the nearly 10 years that I have known Luke Danes, I have come to know him as an honest and decent man. He is also one of the most kind and caring people I have ever met.  
_  
I am a single mother and I raised my daughter by myself, but once Luke Danes became my friend in this town, I never really felt alone. Luke and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but through it all, his relationship with my daughter Rory has never changed._  
_  
He's always been there for her no matter what. He was there to celebrate her birthdays, he was there cheering her on at her high school graduation. Luke has been a sort of father figure in my daughter's life. With his own daughter, Luke wasn't given the opportunity to be there for her first 12 years, but he should be given that opportunity now. Once Luke Danes is in your life, he's in your life forever._  
_  
I know from personal experience what an amazing gift that is and not to allow him access to his daughter would be to seriously deprive her of all this man has to offer and he offers so much._  
_  
Thank you for your time._  
_  
Sincerely,_  
_Lorelai Gilmore_

As the judge read the letter Lorelai had written, Luke suddenly felt diaphanous; as if he was about to take flight, like he was just comprised of only light and air. Goosebumps had taken residence up and down his arms and he couldn't help but smile. He wondered if he was blushing because he felt his cheeks burning and wistfully for - only a moment, he wished that Lorelai was there by his side.

He hardly heard a word his lawyer spoke and had to concentrate in order to stay mentally present for the rest of the meeting. All of the harsh words that Anna's lawyer spit out no longer phased him; he had Lorelai Gilmore on his side and he realized what a great thing that really was._ And for such a silly reason_, he mused, _of course he did those things for Lorelai and Rory_. _He would always be there for them, like there was any other option!_

After what seemed like hours in that small room, Luke didn't bother to validate his parking and drove straight home. He felt conflicted. One side of him felt anxious about the judge's answer from the hearing. The other side wanted to float up in the atmosphere like a hot air balloon, replaying the letter Lorelai had written continuously in his head while he looked down from the sky above.

He went back and forth with himself in a strange zombie like trance. All evening as he served his patrons in the diner. Caesar had volunteered to serve that evening so Luke could stay in the kitchen, but soon noticed that every beef patty was cooked far more than well done. Luke managed to work quietly with little to no words. He mixed up almost every order, but the townies knew about his court date and the nervousness he was probably experiencing. Whenever Luke's back was turned they would just surreptitiously swap dishes and cups. The diner stayed packed for some time, most ordering no more than beverages or sweets, as a show of solidarity for the man who was too preoccupied to notice.

Sleep didn't come at all that night for Luke. He went to bed early due to an impending early morning bread delivery, but he was fitful - tossing and turning all night. Every time his thoughts came around to Lorelai, he'd roll over towards his phone and almost get up to grab it. He wanted to call her so badly, to thank her for the letter, to tell her... to tell her that he still loved her too.

Oh, he'd veil it - make up an excuse, just to hear her voice, or to just see how she was doing. He wanted to recount the entire hearing, to hear her opinions, to tell her how much he loved his daughter, and to tell her how important this was to him. He wanted to say that he would always be there for Rory. He'd always be there for them. He needed to tell her that it was okay. That he would be okay. He was dying to know why she was still with _him_, to tell her he had a right to know. A perverse part of him wanted to start an argument just to see if she would fight back. _Anything._

But his excuses sounded too hollow, too embarrassing or too personal, and he was afraid that her husband would answer. At the thought of "her husband" he'd sink back to his bed, reminded of how inappropriate it would be to call a married woman. And then his train of thought would start all over again. He did this until he was sure she was asleep and he couldn't possibly call her and wake her. He blinked and then all of a sudden his alarm was going off.

The bread delivery was handled, the diner set up for the breakfast rush and his own tea was steeped. He sat cradling his mug in his hands at his kitchen table, a now cold piece of toast by his elbow. He stared at the phone, willing it to ring, and ring it did.

He won shared custody. Luke was barely mentally present after his lawyer congratulated him. Once he hung up he forced himself to calmly run through the conversation again in his head. _I won? I won! _he thought. Bounding up from the table, he grabbed the phone again, and dialed before he knew what he was doing or how early it still was.

"Hello?" her voice came through from the other side, grogginess evident in her voice.

"Hey! I didn't wake you did I?" He started to pace excitedly in his kitchen, his heart starting to pound as he realized he had just called Lorelai.

"Oh no. Hi. No, I'm up," she said, sounding tired and confused.

"I just had to tell you, I won!" he told her, barely containing his elation.

"You, uh, won?"

"It's incedible, I thought I was screwed! It's incredible. I mean, her lawyer dug up every last bit of dirt she could find on me but...."

"Oh. Oh, yeah. Luke, that's great."

"Yeah, the judge waited until this morning to give us her decision. Oh, man, was that the longest night of my life! But, I just got off with my lawyer. I get shared custody," Luke explained quickly, only pausing for air once he was done.

"Wow. Congratulations," Lorelai said quietly, conveying an almost forced enthusiasm. Luke was too hyped to pick up on it at that particular moment.

"Yeah, I get to see April at least one weekend a month, every other major holiday, half the summer. We're gonna work it all out. It's so great."

"So great," she echoed him, a great conservation of words for Lorelai Gilmore.

"Yeah, I guess the judge just took everything into consideration and realized how much I wanted to be in April's life. And, of course, your letter was a big help," he finally admitted, slowing down now, listening for her response.

"Well, I just wanted to help you, help April," her voice was tiny, thin.

"Well, you did, and I'm really grateful. Anyway, uh, sorry to call so early. Thanks again."

"Congratulations," at this Lorelai let out a small catch in her voice, almost a hiccup.

"Lorelai... is everything okay?" Luke asked tentatively, finally picking up on her forced tone.

"F-fine," she stuttered. "Just woke up so...."

Luke noticed her economy of words and the faint stutter. He couldn't hang up now, if he did he'd wonder about her all day. "Lorelai, I finally get to be a parent," Luke revealed in awe, letting the words fall from his mouth without a filter.

"You were already a parent, Luke," Lorelai said, matter-of-factly, almost in a whisper.

"I mean, I always envied you," he confessed, his heart still pounding. "I feel ... I feel like a dad, I mean I did before, but I'm just...."

"You feel like a dad with purpose," Lorelai finished for him softly.

"Yeah," Luke replied, the soft smile returning to his face in that moment. Both sides of the line were silent.

Lorelai let out a deep shaky breath. "I should really go Luke. I'm so happy for you."

And before he could respond, she hung up.

**-I'll Always Be Here-**

It was such an easy and obvious decision. She had been there for him several times now, even after he had neglected her in their relationship, even after he had shown her that he wanted her to have nothing to do with his daughter. But she was still there for him. She was there when April got sick, when he almost drank himself to death, and then when he almost lost his daughter. Luke had always had such a hard time telling her that he loved her. He thought that his actions would speak volumes. He told her he loved her every time he fixed the porch rail, he told her he loved her when he bought the stupid soccer jersey for her dog, and he told her he loved her when he let her plaster barbie band aids onto his gashed palm.

But still, he couldn't believe how oblivious he had been to _her_ actions. She was letting her actions speak, even if she didn't consciously know what she was doing. Yes, the thought of Lorelai going to another man still hurt. But the truth, was that he knew deep down in his heart that she never stopped loving him.

She showed him without hesitation when she wrote that letter. She showed him without fear when she shoved a radioactive blue drink into his hand. She showed him all the love in her heart when came to check on April. He knew she would keep showing him, and that he would never be able to stop recirprocating. Christopher, that-punk-ass-son-of-a-bitch-good-for-nothing, was nothing. He was less than nothing. Not when it came to him and Lorelai.

He knew Christopher didn't stand a chance once _he_ picked up his game. Luke would do anything for Lorelai, and that meant fighting to win her trust again. He mused that it was like baseball - 80% mental and 20% physical, and he knew that he had Christopher beat in both departments.

When Babbette came running into the diner that morning, grasping her breasts to her chest keep them from bouncing and gasping for air, to tell him that Lorelai's father had another heart attack; he was out that door like a shot. He didn't need to remember Lorelai's father's last heart attack to know how broken up she'd be in that hospital waiting room. He didn't need her to call him to ask him to come. Even if he and Lorelai had still been on the outs with each other, he'd would have been there for her without hesitation. And she for him. That was who _he _was, that was who _they _were.

Ironically, or not as they case may be, Luke's father had passed away in that very same hospital. It had changed in the twenty-some-odd years since his passing, but he knew exactly were Lorelai and Rory would be waiting. _Sick, disgusting experience,_ he thought. Still, he was forced to admit that he was glad he had it. It was like a race against time, each step towards the CICU made his heart pound faster and he knew he wouldn't find any relief to his rapid pulse until he saw she was there. He saw her before she saw him, hunched over in a hospital waiting room chair, pushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

He had a strange feeling of vertigo and passing through another dimension as he remembered Liz adopting a similar position after their dad had died of a heart attack. He almost took a nose dive straight into the floor trying to right himself from the weird unbalanced feeling. At least, he felt like he almost took a nose dive, to all innocent bystanders he was still fully upright.

The moment the feeling of vertigo passed he heard Emily Gilmore utter with bitterness in her voice, "What's _he_ doing here." Luke was in a place where Emily Gilmore's disdain could not touch him and so he moved forward as if she hadn't said anything, heart still pounding, until he could clearly see the look on Lorelai's face. She was panicked and nervous, and he automatically offered to do anything that he could. All he wanted to do was to alleviate that strange, pained look from her eyes.

It wasn't until he was halfway to New Haven to pick up Richard's car that he realized Christopher hadn't been at the hospital. Suddenly he felt an uncontrollable rage boil up from deep down in his abdomen. If that... that-punk-ass-son-of-a-bitch-good-for-nothing had the nerve to try to take Lorelai from him, he shouldn't be neglecting her. If this man deserved Lorelai, he would have been there in the hospital holding her hand and supporting her, no matter what.

Luke hoped to god that that sorry excuse for a man had a good reason to not be at the hospital supporting his wife and child, otherwise Luke feared he might not be able to control himself once their paths crossed again. And suddenly it all became clear. Her trepidation on the phone the other morning, and Christopher starting the fight with him in the street. They'd been having trouble.

Luke filled the tank with premium on Richard's Jag, changed the oil and washed all the windows. He left the Jaguar in the Gilmore's garage, grabbed a cab back to the hospital, hopped into his truck, and drove back to Star's Hollow to take his anger out on as many food orders as he could imagine that they might want. He knew Lorelai wouldn't have wanted to eat any hospital food, he remembered how hard it had been for her just to find a decent cup of coffee the last time they were at a hospital together. He also knew how happy eating always seemed to make Lorelai and Rory, how eating in mass quantities seemed to be a personal hobby of theirs. He'd do anything to make them happy, at least, for a little while.

He had heard something Emily said about fish, so he made every single fish related item on his menu, regardless of how disgusting they really were or how many years those fish sticks had been sitting at the bottom of his freezer.

And soon, he was back in the CICU waiting room of John Skinner Memorial Hospital, explaining to a nurse about the leaking fish bag. Suddenly goose bumps started to pop up on his upper arms and he knew immediately that Lorelai was approaching.

She seemed genuinely happy, even relieved, to see him standing there. The warmth in her eyes, the smile playing on her lips, and her light banter made him forget most of the cocky, 'I deserve the girl,' machismo he had originally pumped himself up with. But it was okay, because he was happy to just stand there, listen to her talk and laugh, and to look into those bright blue eyes again.

And then _he_ showed up and rather rudely demanded that Lorelai tell _him_ why Luke was there. Luke was reminded, rather harshly, of the anger he had felt just a few hours earlier towards Christopher's lack of concern and he had to ball his hands into fists and remind himself to keep them at his sides. Luke fixed Christopher with a stern look, told Lorelai that he was glad her dad was okay and turned to leave.

And then she was there in the parking lot, grabbing his shoulder, stopping him as she fought to catch her breath. Her face was achingly similar to the one he remembered from seven years prior when she had stood before him in a lime green shirt trying to stop herself from crying.

"Thank you, Luke," she said, before she hiccuped and her face crumpled. Without contemplating his actions, she was in his arms and he was running his hand through her hair, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"I'm here, I'll always be here," he told her, echoing his own words from years before.

**-Lorelai Gilmore-**

He'd done the right thing. He'd walked her back to the front entrance of the hospital, telling her that everything was going to be okay by rubbing soothing circles along her back. She'd looked him straight in the eye, smiled, and walked back into the steril light of the front lobby. Not a single word was uttered after Luke's assurance that he'd always be there, but even then, he felt as though they had both spoken volumes.

He ran the entire night through his head as he methodically wiped the tables of the diner down. The smell of bleach stung his nose and the cold of the rag bit into his hand, as he tried to rationalize his actions in his mind. He wanted her back, that was plain as day. He knew his heart would never stop pouding like it did when she was around. But more than that, he knew he could live his life and be happy without her if he had to. And she without him. And he wanted her to be happy, more than he needed to be with her.

He toyed with the idea searching Christopher out and screaming at him, lecturing him to not take Lorelai for granted, to just make her happy. Of course, in helping Lorelai, he'd also enjoy himself by laying a few punches into the creep...

The bells jangled, disturbing his train of thought and staying his hand on the already clean tabletop. When he looked up, she was facing him from the other side with her arms wrapped tightly around her abdomen, and her eyes red and puffy.

"Lorelai?" he asked, dropping the rag and walking around the table to her.

She sniffled and wiped ineffectively at her cheek. She shook her head as if saying no, and sat down in the chair directly to her right. He knelt before her and put a hand on her knee, staring up at her in question.

"I just wanted someone to be there for me," she said, desperately trying to keep from sobbing, but losing out in the end.

"I know," he all but whispered as he stared up at her, imploring her to look into his eyes. When she raised her head and finally met his gaze, she let out a deep sigh.

"We had a big fight, he thinks I'm ... you and me, we're...." she trailed off as she turned to look into the ice cream store.

Luke left out a huge breath, bit back the sudden surge of aggravation he felt at her complaining about her relationship with _him_ to him. He tried to choose his words very carefully. "Did he hurt you?"

"Luke, no," she responded quickly.

Luke rocked back on his heals and groaned as he stood. "Then I don't think I want to hear it," he muttered as he turned towards the counter.

"I'm not here to complain about my marriage," Lorelai told him as she stood as well. She grabbed the rag from the table and brought it over to the counter. Without knowing what to say to her, Luke continued his nightly ritual. He felt her eyes burning into his back as he stacked all the chairs onto the tables one by one and moved to prop the stools on the counter.

"I need to mop the floor," he told her rather curtly, uncomfortable with their silence.

"Luke, I don't know what to do."

"Well, you can by start moving, so I can mop the floor," he said, as he went to the store room to retrieve his mop.

"That's not what I meant," she countered him, aggravation tinging her voice.

"Lorelai, I can't tell you what to do," Luke bellowed, swinging to look at her.

Lorelai gaped at him from his sudden outburst. He took a deep breath, reeling from the wide spectrum of emotions he'd experienced in that one day. This wasn't how he had wanted to win her back, this wasn't how it was supposed to play out. In truth, he had no idea how he wanted to win her back, but he knew he didn't want to do it when she was vulnerable. But there she was, looking at him like he was crazy, holding her sides tightly, waiting for him to say something.

Two strides was all it took to close the distance between them. Her arms slowly drifted to her sides as she stared into his eyes. He leaned forward and took her in a deep, rough kiss, grabbing her upper arms firmly as he pulled her against his body. Before he knew it, her lips had parted, and his tongue was exploring her mouth. Her hands gripped the sides of his shirt tightly, and he slid his hands from her shoulders to around her back. One hand slid through her hair to cradle the back of her neck and reluctantly he pulled back, chest heaving as he gasped for air.

One hand still on the back of her neck, he moved the other to caress her cheek. The pair stood there for a few minutes, gazing into each others eyes, both still trying desperately to catch their breaths.

Finally, Lorelai whispered his name, almost imperceptibly, and stepped back from his arms. Luke felt a strange weight suddenly pressing on his chest as she moved from his grasp, making him feel like he weighed four hundred pounds or more.

His heart started to pound as the words finally came. "I need to be honest with you."

She stared at him and waited. He took in the open blinds on his windows and the lit up town square, he made quick work of the lock on the door and motioned for her to follow him upstairs. He knew that after talking to her that the chances of a kiss like that happening again were minimal, but he wasn't going to take his chances.

They were sitting on the couch, facing each other, only inches separating them. "You know I did a lot of drinking after we broke up," he began. She nodded. "That wasn't all. There were a few women, I mean, I did a lot of dumb stuff Lorelai."

"I slept with four women and uh, did stuff with another.... One of them was really young, one was married, and there was Nicole...."

"Nicole?" Lorelai asked, suddenly perking up in shock, her breath caught in her throat.

"That's not all. There was Rachel too."

Lorelai just gaped at him, at a loss for words. "It was bad, I mean, I was drunk for most of it, and the blow--," Luke gestured to his waist. "I've never been that self-destructive before and you saw the worst of it. I've never been that drunk, not even after my dad died."

Lorelai looked down at her lap and nodded. "I'm not gonna let you dick around with me this time Lorelai," his harsh words cutting through the soft and vulnerable mood he had just created.

Lorelai looked up at him in shock again, still at a complete loss for those words that were supposed to come so easily to her. Anger was still obviously radiating off of him, but he let his feelings be known. "Getting over you was really damn hard." He took off his cap and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not really sure I've even done it yet," he admitted gruffly.

There was an awkward pause as they stared at each other, but then suddenly she was kissing him. She was in his lap and kissing him, as roughly as he had kissed her just minutes earlier. "What the...." he gasped as she pulled back for a second, before returning to his lips. He grasped her arms and pulled her back again. "Lorelai!"

"Will you just shut up?" She asked, rather angrily, wriggled from his grip and began kissing him again. Luke was helpless, opening his mouth, and groaning as she wasted no time at all. Straddling his hips, she pushed him against the back of the couch, and started to grind against him. When she finally pulled back she was reaching for his belt.

"Lorelai?" he asked again, completely defeated and unable to stop her. She left out a grunt of frustration but finally unclasped his belt. Luke groaned as the button and zipper gave way and his growing erection was granted more freedom. Lorelai caressed him through his worn plaid boxers and he soon lost all the fight and anger he had in him. There she was, on his lap, telling him to shut up and, desperately clawing at his pants.

While Luke was busy concentrating on keeping it together, on not boggling over the fact that Lorelai was once again in close contact with his manhood, she had slipped from his lap to her knees before him. Soon the waistband on his boxers was pulled back, freeing his entire length. Lorelai grasped his erection firmly in one hand and caressed his balls in the other. Slowly, enticingly, she licked the very tip of his shaft while staring up into his eyes. She then kissed it, slowly parted her lips and took him into her mouth.

Luke moaned and reflexively grasped her head, his fingers tangling in her hair. "You feel so, so good," he groaned and trailed off in a whisper. In response to his words, she hummed which sent shivers up and down his spine. "I'm ... I'm," he stuttered, desperately trying to keep from thrusting into her mouth. "I'm gonna come," he said quickly, tightening his grip on her hair. Lorelai hummed her consent and worked her lips and hand faster. Soon he was spurting into her warm mouth and she was quickly swallowing everything he let out. She softly caressed him as he came down and moved back to the couch to huddle into his side.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to happen," he told her, out of breath, suddenly feeling exhausted, one hand draped lazily over her thigh. She just smiled, shook her head and reached to pull his boxers back up.

"Sleep," she told him in a whisper.

"Missed you," he said in response. Lorelai laughed quietly to herself when she heard him begin to snore soon after.

**--White Blank Page--**

She wasn't there the next morning when he woke on his side on the couch, covered in his mother's old afghan. The events of the day flashed through his mind. _Was he really at the hospital less than 24 hours ago? _ He wondered how the hell Lorelai ended up, well, between his legs, and what the hell it all meant. She left, in typical Lorelai fashion, without explaining any of her actions.

"God dammit!" he said to no one in particular from his spot prone on the couch. "Why do I let her do that to me?" he asked himself. He wasn't referring to _that_ that, but more to the fact that she always had an ability to get him to give in. Eating crap, buying stupid baskets, riding in cold sleighs, remodeling houses and angrily kissing her while she wears another man's ring.

Luke fell into his normal daily routine while running in circles in his mind. While brushing his teeth he contemplated going to her house and demanding her to make up her mind. While in the shower he wondered if he should wait for her to come to him again. While shaving he debated the merits of continuing to pursue a married woman. While getting dressed he asked himself if he really did have the strength to allow Christopher to make her happy. While brewing his tea he wondered if she could possibly be happy with that other man. While toasting his bread he thought about how insistent Lorelai was the night before, about pleasing him all the way to the finish. While unlocking the door of the diner and letting Kirk in, he mused about the great night sleep he had had that evening. While starting up the grill and preparing Kirk's toast he realized he was smiling. He wondered how long that smile had been upon his face, and if Kirk had noticed.

The fact of the matter was that Kirk appeared to not have slept a minute the night before. Luke chuckled to himself as he realized he hadn't really noticed the man when he let him into the diner and prepared his breakfast. Kirk, being very un-Kirk-like, was wearing the previous days clothing, wrinkled and dirty. His hair was reminiscent of stereotypical sex-hair, although Luke didn't contemplate the meaning of that any further. Blood-shot and puffy were Kirk's eyes, his nails filthy and gritty and Luke made a mental note to not get too close to notice his breath.

And there he had it. In Kirk's uncharacteristic appearance that morning, Luke knew what he had to do with Lorelai. As Kirk began to cry, Luke mindlessly handed him a rag soaked lightly in bleach, staring intently at the man once more, but not seeing him at all. Luke's smile grew from a small upturn of his lips to a full on grin, as Kirk noisily blew his nose into the rag, vaguely like an air horn, and rubbed the opposite side over his face.

"Kirk?" Luke asked him with a schooled scowl on his face, barely able to contain his elation at his own epiphany.

"Luke?" Kirk all but sobbed into the rag, still oblivious to Luke's own mood.

"Am I gonna regret asking what the hell happened to you?"

"Mother found dirty pictures of Lulu on my laptop and locked me out."

"Yup, gonna regret it."


	3. Luke's Dark Year Part III

**Luke's Dark Year Part III**

**A/N: A few things. First, go listen to the CD Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons, it got me through this last chapter, I had it on repeat for quite a few hours. This chapter is short, and it took me forever to get out. And it will also be un-beta'd, but I think that's okay!**

**This story is dedicated to the amazing Mags. Without her I would have never gotten here.**

**--Sigh No More--**

Before going to her, he'd wait one week, seven days, one hundred and sixty eight hours, ten thousand and eighty minutes... six hundred four thousand, eight hundred seconds... and not a moment more. He imagined she'd be spending all of her free time at the hospital, and although their encounter the other night was, well, _hot_, he didn't want to approach her when she was still worried about her dad. And _man _those six hundred thousand seconds were long ones.

Maybe it wasn't the brightest idea to give in after six days and speed walk to her house through the back path at half past noon on a day she had off. Probably not the best plan to stand there awkwardly as her car pulled to a stop in her gravel driveway in front of that old familiar oak tree. And most certainly not the wisest strategy to not say a single word until she practically plowed right into him. In fact, he was probably asking for any invocation of gossip the Lorelai's noisy neighbor could possibly conjure up.

But there he was, in the bright noon sun, standing like an awkward love struck fool on her front lawn, practically plowed into by the very woman he was seeking out.

"Luke!" She gasped in shock, grabbing her throat while letting a small smile curve her lips. That small smile simply took his breath away. "L-Luke?" She stuttered with confusion, crinking her brow just so.

"Uh, Lorelai," he stammered, sticking his hands deep within his pockets. "The uh, the lake! Yes, the bridge!"

Lorelai practically snorted at Luke's odd behavior, her small smile growing wider. "What about the lake?" she asked.

Luke opened and closed his mouth a few times before responding. "Talk, I mean, lets talk! The lake, _at_ the lake!" When Luke finally told her, _at the lake_, he had removed his hands from his pockets and started to gesture wildly. The caused Lorelai to step back, but still showing great amusement in her expression.

"Lets walk... to the lake!" Lorelai responded with enthusiasm and amusement, mocking Luke's wild flailing, as she gestured to the path leading back towards the town.

The moment they got to the lake, Luke began to pace from one end of the bridge to the other, obviously fighting an internal struggle with himself. Lorelai stood still in the middle, watching as he passed her again and again.

"Luke?" she asked, pulling her wrap sweater tighter around her body to avoid the early spring chill. When he didn't respond after a minute she tried again. "Luke, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"It pisses me off Lorelai!" Luke shouted as he stopped abruptly a few feet from her and faced her. "It pisses me off that he treats you like shit! No matter what you did to him, no fucking matter what, he should have been there for you the second it happened! I hate the guy okay, I have since the day I met him, even before you were mine! But I hate him so much more because he has you now, he ruined you and me, and he has you now and he's throwing it all away!"

Luke took a step closer to Lorelai, breathing deeply. "But the thing that really bugs me, even more than that," he continued, quieter now. "Is I wasn't any better to you. And I really know now, I mean, we've both had a lot of time to think about what broke us in the end. I know you were as much at fault as I was, but I realized recently..."

Luke took another tentative step closer, and Lorelai's arms drifted to her sides and she was unable to pry her eyes from his. "Lorelai," he said softly. "I realized that you're it and I will never stop loving you. I fought for April and I won. I know now that I can survive without you, I can be happy without you there by my side. But, I don't want to. I would much rather do this thing with you. And I am willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

He took her hand in his and grasped it softly, noticing a slight tremor in her grip. Lorelai began blinking rapidly. "Lorelai, I know you still love me, I'd be blind if I didn't think so. But you're with him right now, and maybe it's presumptuous of me to assume that you'll just drop him and come to me. But I guess that just makes me presumptuous, because I know it's supposed to be you and me. So I'll wait for you, as long as you need."

And at his last word, he let go of her hand and headed back towards the diner. Lorelai was left standing in the center of the bridge, staring at the water, only noticing then that Luke had left a small piece of paper in her hand.

**--You and Me For All Time--**

Six days passed from the day on the bridge. Luke promised he would wait for her, for as long as she needed, and so he waited. It wasn't easy, especially not knowing how she reacted to the piece of paper he had slipped into her palm. Maybe he'd give up the wait in a few weeks, to go see her, unable to stay away. He was always unable to stay away.

It was a friday night when the bells rang out in the empty diner, empty except for Luke, who had been busy refilling ketchup bottles on the counter. He looked up and there she was, holding a black long coat tightly around her body, stepping across the threshold. He could see she was wearing a dress, from the deep blue skirt that hung out around the bottom of her coat. She had her hair straightened and pulled back tightly, and he knew immediately she had just been to her parents for dinner.

Lorelai moved to one of the stools and removed her coat. Luke noticed as the blue in her eyes became more vivid as they reflected the vibrant blue of her dress. He began to cap his ketchup bottles and place them under the counter.

"My dad wore his robe to dinner tonight," she remarked while moving to sit on the stool. "My mother served mocktails--_non-alcohilic_ cocktails."

When Luke didn't respond, after putting the last bottle of ketchup away, Lorelai continued. "I found out that you can't really elope in France, if you haven't been living there for three months."

Luke leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms, giving her his full attention. "And my husband--my _mock_sband, left me the night my dad had a heart attack. But it was okay because... Because it turns out, I'm in love with my best friend."

At that, Lorelai rose from the stool and circled the counter. She took a deep breath and took Luke's hand. "And he gave me my own horoscope."

A smile appeared across Luke's face that made his eyes crinkle at the sides and he looked down before meeting her intense blue eyes. With his free hand he cupped her cheek and rubbed it slowly with his thumb.

"You and me for all time," she whispered, before leaning forward, both of them immediately lost in a soul searing kiss.

_Lorelai, _

_You started us with a horoscope,_

_so I'm renewing us with one._

_I promise to never walk _

_away from you again._

_You and me for all time._

_Love, Luke_

_**Taurus:**_

_You need to open up to new ideas today -- _

_no matter how ridiculous they may appear at first _

_glance. Your energy is a little off-kilter right now _

_and you should expect others to be more in sync._


End file.
